Mother . . . May I?

taken back in November '05 - Waipio lookeout (Hawaii)

"Motherhood: All love begins and ends there." - Robert Browning

It's hard to imagine that the photo taken above I was 6 weeks pregnant - Yes everybody the word is out - I am pregnant (currently 4 months right now). Plenty of firsts for me.
first baby
first time I got my pap smear from a man (always had a female nurse do it)
first time I've actually cared and looked at what I'm eating since "everything" affects the creature inside me
first time I've ever weighed this much in my life
first time I'm starting to feel things on my body "rub together"
first time seeing a sonogram much else mine
first time feeling the baby sucking especially right after I eat (its weird)
first time shopping where I look at an article of clothing and think this would fit me and I go to the dressing room and realize it does not even zip up or remotely "cover me up enough"
first time people actually look down way below - at my tummy instead of my breasts
and the lists goes on and on. . . I've never been "so aware" of my body changing ever since I got boobs & my monthly "visitor" since the pubescent stage.

I freaked out a bit when I first found out. I had been in Hawaii vacationing in NOV - u know drinking and smoking and I thought oh shit my kid is gonna be retarded but so far, after all the tests, my baby's gonna be alright, the only thing we have to worry about is whether its gonna be a girl or boy. I'm over the nauseousness now and my sinus headaches come less frequently and all is well. The new discomfort is the middle of the night cramps on my legs and calves because of the "extra weight" I've been carrying around. Must be better about doing my walking and prenatal yoga.

As my tummy expands, Jim and I talk about how we should raise our kids and I think we'll do fine. I mean I've seen worse parenting from others and I'm like "shit I can do better" - no sweat there. I sure do hope I can get along w/ my kid very well. That my kid can talk to me about anything - something I didn't have growing up. I want to be a cool hip mom but at the same time unleash full terror and fury if you disobey. I mean not that I want my kids to fear me (maybe a little) but I want them to understand that everyone deserves some respect and theres no one else you should respect more than your parents.

I think kids nowadays are SPOILED ROTTEN. I've met parents who are like "oh no, we never spank our kids" but I think some of them need it. Sometimes it only takes that first time and never again. We had a friend that was like yah I was spanked when I was little but I dont' think I benefitted from it - it just made me hate my parents more. And I replied well with me I totally understand why my parents did what they did. I think the crucial thing is when you discipline a child - YOU REMEMBER THE LESSON. I'm not gonna spank my kids just b'coz - I'm gonna spank them b'coz they did something wrong and they need to learn a lesson from it. Now that I'm an adult I don't look back and go "shit i was beat as a child" I look back and go "oh my family was really looking out for me" and thank god I turned out alright u know. If someone realized in their adulthood that they were treated badly when they were little, coz they were spanked, then their parents didn't do a good job then. I think its important that children understand and realize facts of life.

Another thing is kids need boundaries. They will push and push and try to cross the line and you have to tell them no. coz the second you let them - they would think they rule over you. I see so many parents nowadays that are trained well by their kids. Funny thing, one night one of our couple friends said "oh yah seriously our kid won't go to bed until he's had his bowl of ice cream, it really puts him to sleep" and I'm like oh you mean his glass of milk and they're like no ice cream. And our other friend goes "damn, your kid's got you programmed well" and I just started cracking up. But its very interesting watching other parenting styles - it truly puts me in perspective watching other parents "in action" coz then I can go to my husband and be like "oh yah we can do it this way w/ our kid" or like "hell no are we letting our kid get away w/ that" u know stuff like that.

Having a child definitely enriches one's conversation w/ their spouse - another topic to talk about which is a good thing.

My highlight of the day - its snowing up at work - its pretty I should have brought a camera. And my husband calls me today and tells me he was lying on the bed with our dog Kodi watching him sleep. Kodi slips out a fart (we gave him bones the previous night) - woke himself up he looks around and sniffs at his own butt and just gives Jim the most perplexed look. It cracked Jim up that he called me at work and told me all about it - made my day. Truly the most simple things in life can bring you joy - and that includes your dog farting :)

SHE'S PHO KING COOL MAN!

Groovin' at My Wedding


What's So Funnny?

Happy Birthday to Ms. Tricia Hai Nguyen. I love you girl - you always put a smile on my face. And MOST times you crack me up. I'm very glad you are a part of my life. You are one of those who make me a better person and make me feel good about myself and I love you for that. Thank you for always being there for me as a sister, trusted friend, and spirit lifter. I get a natural high from hanging out w/ you and that's the best kind you can get. :) You're a life long friend PHO SHO!

IDIOSYNCRACIES

Hmm. . . been tagged by good ol' Mia to list my idiosyncracies. This list can go on and on . . but I can start working on it . . .

id·i·o·syn·cra·sy n. pl. id·i·o·syn·cra·sies:1. A structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group. 2. A physiological or temperamental peculiarity. 3. An unusual individual reaction to food or a drug.

1) I have to smell my food before eating it.

2) I have a lot of gas, that even I myself have to vacate the room sometimes. It's the silent but deadly kind. I can't help it - its part of my 'fast' metabolism. I eat a lot so where do you seriously think it goes - my system doesn't poop it out it converts it to gas. I can be a millionaire if farts can be used to energy. It's especially bad the day after I have spaghetti or brocolli.

3) I love thrift stores - almost half of my wardrobe/closet is from thrift stores - hey you truly come around when you discover never been worn manolo blahniks for 8 bucks - unfortunately they were size 8 and I was planning to sell them on ebay but I ended up giving them to a friend. Plus not to mention I live 40 minutes away from the closest mall and the only thing we have around here is JC Penney.

4) I still use a "tabo" - the water bucket filipinos are known to use after urinating and/or pooping. Seriously before I came to the states, I used to think "eww, americans just wipe? they don't wash?" coz think of it after we pee, we pour - its the rinse cycle and when we poo, there's the pre-rinse, then we involve soap and lather up, and then rinse again, and of course we wash our hands after. But really its coz we're too poor to afford toilet paper. My husband discovered this when he went to shoemart mall in the philippines and realized we have the holders but no toilet paper in the stalls. I'm like honey that's why i carry tissue all the time in my purse. But hey other cultures have a "bedet" did i spell that right?

5) I love eating w/ my hands, especially when I eat fish and seafood. My dad's side of the family thinks its only necessary if we're eating w/ seafood and its not very civilized. But I think they're trying to be snooty and all uppity because I know its part of the filipino culture to eat w/ their hands along side w/ eating w/ a spoon and a fork. I seriously eat more when I eat w/ my hands.

6) I set the table w/ spoon on the right and fork on the left - no need for knives unless you're like eating steak or you really need to saw something. Otherwise, filipinos have the skills to pry their food apart. Come to think of it - I think its the smartest way to eat coz you can scoop the sauce/soup w/ your food. When I spoon feed my husband he thinks its the best coz he describes how I just mix the perfect amount of rice, meat, veggies, and sauce in a spoonfool. Honestly spoon and fork rules - I mean how hard is it to eat w/ chopsticks?! Although I do enjoy eating w/ chopsticks every now and then - it's like a challenge. But yah filipinos are the only asians that don't eat w/ chopstix.

7) I love vinegar - especially datu puti sugar cane vinegar - you can't make adobo right without it. I used to drink it when I was little, that my lips turned white. White people's vinegar just doesn't cut it - I use that for disinfecting/cleaning purposes. To clean the house that is - I don't "douch" like some people might imply - never tried it and I hope never need it. Regular soap and water cleans that "down there"

8) I love green mangoes and bagoong. I love avocado ice cream and corn and cheese ice cream - whenever I can find it. Magnolia carries those flavors.

9) I can still do a back bend - thanks to yoga, but unfortunately I've lost the talent for doing the splits ever since 6th grade. I hope to be able to do a back flip - u know like how the gymnast do it.

10) I can dance at the club or anywhere for hours and hours as long as there's good music and good company.

11) I do feel the need to accesorize - whether it be shoes, purses, hats, and/or jewelry. Although in the winter time I don't wear that much jewelry coz the "metals" get cold but I compensate with hats, scarves, and gloves.

12) When I get home from work or I've been away from my dog Kodi I exclaim "yay!" and jump up and down with my dog. Now whenever you say "Yay!" around my dog his ears perk up and he gets excited.

13) When I cook a dish I almost always have to have all the ingredients - if I'm missing one, especially a crucial one like tamarind powder - forget it I might as well try cooking a different dish. Coz what good is 'sinigang' or 'pad thai' without it.

14) I love spam and rice - eat it w/ vinegar (and bagoong if I have it). If I have eggs over easy w/ my rice - i have to have tomatoes and 'patis' - fish sauce. If I don't have that then I'll just have ketchup. and I love banana ketchup if its available.

15) Incompetent, Inefficent, UnProductive, Pessimistic People Bug the Hell out of me. People that can't be optimistic - then they're just asking for it. If you're so negative, then bad shit happens to you. It's a frame of mind people! You can truly change and affect your life for the better. No Excuses. I cannot be around you if you're such a downer - Life is way too short for me to be hanging around and wasting my time with those kind of people. Unfortunately in the work place and in the real world - these people do exist and you can't avoid them but I try as much as I can.

16) I'm friends w/ you B'coz its either 1) I like you & truly honor my relationship w/ you or 2) I benefit or get something out of our friendship {connections, hook ups, networking, etc.} Otherwise I really don't care. My husband told me once - "most of the time I don't really like people and don't care for anybody - I'm just happy hanging out w/ my wife and my doggie." And I'm like "how can you say that?" - coz I was always the type of person to want to please everyone and have everyone like me - but as you live on and mature, you get to the point where you have a handful of your good friends and that's all you really need. F**k the rest of the people. Hehe. but I'm still nice most of the time - we just have to be careful w/ who our friends are and who we associate with. But sad that it is a fact of life, we still have to go through life and have our pretend "reallys?" and "uh-huhs" - all the conversation fillers we have to use to be "polite, nice, and tactful" to others because in our heads we're like "F**k off, or "You're so full of shit." and yada yada right.

17) Sometimes I like to smell my farts and sometimes I can't stand them. Hey you have to like your own "brand" right?

Ashley - R.I.P

Last night, Jim was very bummed. Ashley our grey kitty passed away. She was 14 years old. It was very sad. We knew she was going coz she couldn't handle her bowel movement anymore and on her last day she pissed all over herself. It was pretty heart breaking coz 2 nights ago she was crying all night. Her meow sounded like she was saying "Aww, aww" poor thing. Jim had to close our bedroom door b'coz we couldn't stand to hear her in pain. Yesterday morning, before Jim went to work, he petted her and she did not even open her eyes. He "knew" and so he said his goodbye and told her she lived a full life and that its okay if she goes and that we'll miss her. She just had the shakes, and Jim called me at work and warned me that when I get home from work that she might not have made it through the day. I was hoping b'coz I did not want to have to take her to the vet to put her down or much else Jim would have had to shoot her to take her out of her misery. I came home late that night coz I was scared to discover her by myself. Jim got home before me with our friend Chris and they took care of her.

We buried her on the green belt of our property above the creek. She was survived by loving parents Jim & Shy, her brother Kodi (our dog), and her sister Titleist (our white kitty). I'm hoping her sister would not get too depressed in her absence. Just like Nona she lived a good life. May she rest in peace. We'll miss you Ashley Grey.

Reminiscing about the good old Mckay Roommates

So I was just thinking about my old Mckay roommates Andrea "Dre" Rios and Cathy "Cookie" Do. I miss them a lot and I do honestly say they were the best roommates. Cathy was even my roommate in Hannon in Junior Year and I do admit those Hannon Block parties made history at LMU campus. Who would have thought 9 apartments would have been written up that night. We had the shot room upstairs, we had the dance room in our apt, we had the smoke room next door, we had the drum n bass room, and we even had a stripper in one of the rooms as I would quote our public safety officers "uhh sir, can I ask you to put on some plants please" HYSTERICAL.

Well I do want to CONGRATULATE Ms. Dre Rios to her engagement to Jime Salcedo-Malo. Dre I'm so happy for you!!


I miss you two crazy nuts and I do thank you for making the college years memorable - by the way I unearthed a photo of us standing on "someone's bed" w/ our pants down one night we were bored and pissed off at someone in Mckay - but of course our faces were covered and I guess I won't post that in the blog hehe. I hope you two are doing great.

"Mary Jane - I love her just the same . . . mary jane" sing along w/ me now!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY JANE!

*Jane is the reason I believe I'm a stronger woman
*Jane makes ME feel beautiful
*Jane MAKES things beautiful
*Jane makes ME happy.
*Jane makes me laugh.
*Jane makes me cry. . . fucking bawling crying man . . .fucking "Emilio!!!"somebody's dying in my arms crying, kind of bawling"
*Jane influenced me to have more steelo - and i do admit i bite her stylesometimes but it just shows that
*Jane is not selfish - she'll give and she'll share.
*Jane is wise. and I learn from listening to her stories.
*Jane is a great story teller.
*I would want to be reincarnated into Jane.
*WE adorE jANE.
*wE LOVE jANE
*wE MISS JANE.
* shit I'll freaking vote for Jane - if she runs for anything. . . I'm in the campaign.

So I've been meaning to do this blog to greet happy birthday to one of the most influential women in my life but the damn blog spot keeps telling me there's "an error in uploading my photo" so here it is finally. Jane you know I love you and I'M SO EXCITED FOR 2006 coz it just seems like a Great Year NO? so much goodness in the horizon coming up ahead of us. . .

Heaven gets another angel

Nona Justine Frank (1913-2006)


Our Nona to the Left our Lola to the Right


Nona with her sons and her beautiful big 1st grandchild - my husband Jim at our wedding last May 2004 :)


Nona turned 92 this past December 28, 2005. This photo taken at wedding rehearsal May 14, 2005.


My mom-in-law Patt, Nona, My tita Bessie, My Lola, and my Tita Cora.

This past Saturday we attended Nona's funeral service. It was in Redwood City (3 hours from Lake Wildwood) it was only a short 15 minute service. We paid our respects, said the Lord's prayer and went our separate ways. Dad went to a chinese restaurant, we went to Jim's favorite childhood deli sandwich place near Nona's house where he first discovered his favorite hot copa sandwich. Nona outlived most of her friends so it was just family and a couple of family friends, Jim's Dad and his family, the 2 sons and their family. Uncle Joe's family from Sonoma. And Jeff lives in Lake Wildwood as well. Nona wanted it to be simple. She had a simple pine box/coffin. We laid red roses over it and said our goodbyes. I left her one of my rosaries, since she gave me one of hers.

She was a great sweet woman - lived life to the fullest. She was hospitalized during the holiday season because of a bleeding ulcer but you can just tell she wasn't the same. We were hoping to take her home recovered, but even she said "she wanted to good lord to come and take her." It's just hard to imagine just a week before thanksgiving she was taking walks everyday. She's a funny lady too, even the last time I visited her at the hospital she was witty and funny. She was pulling her IVs out in the middle of the night coz they were hurting her she said and the nurse had to put these big glove mitts on her to prevent her from doing so. And they look like these big white boxing gloves. And she was so cute she would say I promise I won't pull them out if you take them off, and when the nurse walked away, she goes to Jim and said "I'm bad huh? w/ a smile".

My last visit I cut her finger nails and brushed her hair and she was oh so thankful, she's cute she still had earrings on even if she was hospitalized she was always a classy lady. I asked her how she met Grandpa Curly, and she said she was 18, a waitress, and he came to the counter and ate and she waited on him. He asked her out and she told me she said no coz "she was playing hard to get" She's funny. And then I mentioned I was going out to mexican food w/ Dad and the family and she's like "do you want some red wine?" and I'm like "Oh nona, I'm fine, and I asked her if she wanted any?" and she's like "oh no not right now." Classic Italian Lady - her and her red "vino" - that woman drank at least a glass of red wine everyday and she lived up 'til age 92. She was always so sweet to me and I remember when Jim first introduced me as his girlfriend she thought my name was "Shanghai" - that was funny for the rest of the family for a while.

She would tell me stories of how Jim (being her first grandchild) that she remembers when she used to hold him in her arms when he was a tiny baby. But boy look at him now Nona - he ain't so tiny anymore - 6'2" feet tall and 220 lbs. heavy.

Everyone loved and adored her and always talked of how sweet she was. Jim and I are bummed that she won't be around to see our baby born. But we know she's in a better place now. We'll have another angel/spirit watching over our soon to be born child. She made it to 2006 and died peacefully new year's day morning. We will always remember her and forever have her in our hearts. We love you Nona.

Thoughts on Marriage

It's funny my friend Mia was saying something about us having the best and being the queens that we are - and its true and in order for us to have our freaking castle, legion of men, and servants, we need a great king to sit on that throne. A greatking that can 1) fight a war for you, 2) command respect from others for you3) give you whatever you want 4) provide a good life for you 5) protect and cherish you.
I just know that each of our own families have dysfunctionalities, but no matter what when it comes down to it, family moments should be of laughter, ease of company, and that enriching feeling that we know we are happy, and we are thankful to share our life w/ this group u know. We're at the point of our lives( and god is it hard) that choices are crucial. We all make wrong choices, but what's beautiful about life is we can move on and make more choices that lead us into our "Right" path.It dawned on me, that the day I realized I was "ready" to be married, was the day I let go of the "fear of divorce", I figured “shit half of the time it feels like I dont really know what I"m doing, but I figured if he's not the one, I can move on. and that made me not look at marriage as doom but bliss. But that's what it needs to be - BLISS. at least most of it.I think we all can relate to that coming from filipino families that frowned on divorce, but I love living in this day and age, where us women now have choices, and we are still leading and trying to break through for some more.You should be able to feel that you're falling w/ your hubby more and more each day. And you constantly discover new things about him. He should make you laugh, not cry, lift you up not down. Your husband should be helping you - remember that. It's a partnership.
Marriage is that time to ask ourselves honestly what we want. When we jump off the edge, I do believe we need a good partner on our side. It's a lot easier I realized. That's how I know I love Jim, Marilyn asked me once how did I KNOW, and my response was " I dunno, but all I know is with him,everything is easy, and half of the time during that trip of getting to know him, I didn't realize that yah I can move somewhere far w/ this guy,yes i can marry him, and the next thing I know I'm building a life with him"Nature has an easeness about things, and things just have a funny way ofjust getting to where they finally need to be, but then again we're always moving. Life takes us for the ride.

Things that I'm Thankful For

Below is an email I wanted to put on my blog so I can look at it on times of self-reflection. . .

Thank you Greggie!! I know I can't believe it its been 8 years. Hey we
> still look the same you know - we're only improving. Anyhoo, WHEN am I
> gonna see you? its cold up here though but snowboard season is coming up.
> I'm gonna learn hopefully this season. :)
>
> I had people over we ate, drank, went out to a couple of bars, pole danced a
> bit, played pool. It was fun.
>
> 3 things I'm thankful for. --->> well really I think there are 5. . .:)
>

> 1) hAVING the BESTEST friends in the world. I truly believe that one
> should surround one self w/ people that are positive, who love and support
> you and make you a better person, not to mention they want nothing but the
> Best for you. I've cherished every interaction I've had w/ the true good
> friends I"ve grown to known' and love.
>
> 2) thank God my family cared enough to teach me "to know better" & taught me
> to work hard and have high goals and to dream. Not to mention if they
> weren't strict - I would have gotten into a lot more trouble
>
> 3) finding my home in Lake Wildwood, and living the comfortable life I
> thought people only dream of w/ a loving husband that I'm in love w/ and a
> white dog that I would never consider to eat coz he's just too pretty :) --
> Isn't that what every American dreams? :) Haha I'm such a fob Yay America
> but I am thankful for the opportunities I've had in this lifetime.

> 4) "I am not my parents" Growing up w/ divorced parents since you were 2
> (so did Jim), I'm amazed I've grown out of my fear of turning into my
> parents. Don't get me wrong Jim and I consider ourselves Functional
> alcoholics (like Daddy), and we like to party. But when it gets down to
> business, I feel confident that Jim and I can handle things and work
> together. My biggest fear was divorce but the second I rid myself of that I
> was free to find the right person. really it was by accident, half of the
> time I didn't know what I was doing. You figure someone you find will take
> care of you and you take care of them. It's simple as that. Right on the
> whole "Your love for each other should exceed your need for each other"
> and yes I might have been "like Mommy" Its
> funny how the catholic family expects you to be celibate before marriage and
> become Kama Sutra Reproducing monkeys in the bedroom after marriage. Quite a transitional makeover really.
>
> 5) "Approach love and cooking w/ reckless abandon" Thankful that I'm truly
> passionate about cooking and eating. Food I love food. and there's nothing
> better than feeding your loved ones. Hehe someone has to fatten others up
> so I stay the skinniest out of the group right? JUST KIDDIN'.
>
> Yet you still love family and you deal w/ the rough times. I am fortunate
> enough to find someone who will truly work w/ my weaknesses and glorify my
> strong assets and approach life by looking past our parents faults when
> really we maybe a lot like our parents personality wise, but its how you
> work it all out.
>
> Thanks Greg for having me think about that. You know I used to write my
> high and low of the day in my journal. and I listed things that I was
> thankful for. Hey Dude u asked? and for some reason I felt like sharing.
> Sometimes people had this point of view that filipinos are braggy but really
> its just our culture - at least from our province. If you've got it flaunt
> it - I don't think pride is such a bad thing as long as their are good
> intentions behind it. It used to piss me off when people viewed me as
> braggy when really I'm just proud of who I am and the people that have
> helped me shape who I am. And it angered me when other people used to think
> that whoa she's way too nice and friendly whats wrong w/ her when really i
> just wanted to be their friend. (It's unfortunate, when you go through the
> times that you have to please others - i've had to learn to be selfish and
> really its not so bad , you know u really do go thru the times where you're
> like god! I"m giving and giving and what have I gotten) Hey Man Greg Sorry
> _ You asked and when I stop talking you know I can't stop. :) hehe but
> hopefully you're still listening. Sometimes I get in this tangent emails w/
> my best girl friends, its like I feel the sense of responsibility to like
> drop some word and thought onto my non-married friends yet. Marriage is
> bliss, its rough at times, but the key is when you get thru it. Oh wait now
> you're getting included in my "best girl friend" emails heheh j/k.
>
> Oh yeah and I've been getting up on the wake board :) I just have to learn
> my balance to stay up longer for a while. Jumping in the water this weekend
> was freaking cold but I was intoxicated enough to jump in get out and wrap a
> towel around me. I wanna see you up on one Greg this summer, I'm curious
> what the skateboarders do on water :) Trick!!
>
> Okay I sound all over the place, but really I'm trying to avoid work - gotta
> go now.
>