Mother . . . May I?

taken back in November '05 - Waipio lookeout (Hawaii)

"Motherhood: All love begins and ends there." - Robert Browning

It's hard to imagine that the photo taken above I was 6 weeks pregnant - Yes everybody the word is out - I am pregnant (currently 4 months right now). Plenty of firsts for me.
first baby
first time I got my pap smear from a man (always had a female nurse do it)
first time I've actually cared and looked at what I'm eating since "everything" affects the creature inside me
first time I've ever weighed this much in my life
first time I'm starting to feel things on my body "rub together"
first time seeing a sonogram much else mine
first time feeling the baby sucking especially right after I eat (its weird)
first time shopping where I look at an article of clothing and think this would fit me and I go to the dressing room and realize it does not even zip up or remotely "cover me up enough"
first time people actually look down way below - at my tummy instead of my breasts
and the lists goes on and on. . . I've never been "so aware" of my body changing ever since I got boobs & my monthly "visitor" since the pubescent stage.

I freaked out a bit when I first found out. I had been in Hawaii vacationing in NOV - u know drinking and smoking and I thought oh shit my kid is gonna be retarded but so far, after all the tests, my baby's gonna be alright, the only thing we have to worry about is whether its gonna be a girl or boy. I'm over the nauseousness now and my sinus headaches come less frequently and all is well. The new discomfort is the middle of the night cramps on my legs and calves because of the "extra weight" I've been carrying around. Must be better about doing my walking and prenatal yoga.

As my tummy expands, Jim and I talk about how we should raise our kids and I think we'll do fine. I mean I've seen worse parenting from others and I'm like "shit I can do better" - no sweat there. I sure do hope I can get along w/ my kid very well. That my kid can talk to me about anything - something I didn't have growing up. I want to be a cool hip mom but at the same time unleash full terror and fury if you disobey. I mean not that I want my kids to fear me (maybe a little) but I want them to understand that everyone deserves some respect and theres no one else you should respect more than your parents.

I think kids nowadays are SPOILED ROTTEN. I've met parents who are like "oh no, we never spank our kids" but I think some of them need it. Sometimes it only takes that first time and never again. We had a friend that was like yah I was spanked when I was little but I dont' think I benefitted from it - it just made me hate my parents more. And I replied well with me I totally understand why my parents did what they did. I think the crucial thing is when you discipline a child - YOU REMEMBER THE LESSON. I'm not gonna spank my kids just b'coz - I'm gonna spank them b'coz they did something wrong and they need to learn a lesson from it. Now that I'm an adult I don't look back and go "shit i was beat as a child" I look back and go "oh my family was really looking out for me" and thank god I turned out alright u know. If someone realized in their adulthood that they were treated badly when they were little, coz they were spanked, then their parents didn't do a good job then. I think its important that children understand and realize facts of life.

Another thing is kids need boundaries. They will push and push and try to cross the line and you have to tell them no. coz the second you let them - they would think they rule over you. I see so many parents nowadays that are trained well by their kids. Funny thing, one night one of our couple friends said "oh yah seriously our kid won't go to bed until he's had his bowl of ice cream, it really puts him to sleep" and I'm like oh you mean his glass of milk and they're like no ice cream. And our other friend goes "damn, your kid's got you programmed well" and I just started cracking up. But its very interesting watching other parenting styles - it truly puts me in perspective watching other parents "in action" coz then I can go to my husband and be like "oh yah we can do it this way w/ our kid" or like "hell no are we letting our kid get away w/ that" u know stuff like that.

Having a child definitely enriches one's conversation w/ their spouse - another topic to talk about which is a good thing.

My highlight of the day - its snowing up at work - its pretty I should have brought a camera. And my husband calls me today and tells me he was lying on the bed with our dog Kodi watching him sleep. Kodi slips out a fart (we gave him bones the previous night) - woke himself up he looks around and sniffs at his own butt and just gives Jim the most perplexed look. It cracked Jim up that he called me at work and told me all about it - made my day. Truly the most simple things in life can bring you joy - and that includes your dog farting :)